


beyond repair

by SaltypoinappleXX



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Cancer, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, don't mind me swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-09-21 01:36:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9525860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltypoinappleXX/pseuds/SaltypoinappleXX
Summary: “D - don’t, please, don’t go back on your promise.”Beep“I love you.”____________Art belongs to me completely (if i do happen to use it)Characters do not belong to me, all that jazz, i just wrote this story cuz i like angstrly, Yuri on Ice is an awesome anime, made by Mitsurō Kubo and stuff. (kubo-sensei ily)





	1. Chapter 1

His hair that looked like the moon on a hazy evening.

His eyes that looked like the deepest, clearest and most beautiful pools of water that he had ever seen.

His outgoing personality

that 

slowly 

faded 

away.

____________

 

Yuuri hated it. 

Yuuri hated the fateful phone call.

Yuuri hated the monotone voice of the doctor, the fake empathy, the carelessness. The pity of everyone. Yuuri hated life’s idea of fairness, the happy memories that were slowly crumbling into the most painful of thoughts, the amount of lies he had received, petty excuses for comfort.

All those stolen kisses at the side of the stadium, hidden affairs and peaceful moments, all turned bitter, turning on Yuuri, making sure he never remembered them the same.

Yuuri hated how Viktor was only 29. He never deserved this, not in ten, a hundred, in eternity did he deserve it.

Yuuri hated how Viktor pretended that he was fine.

 

____________

 

Lying in a hospital bed, he couldn’t feel his fingers or his plastered smile that he kept on whenever a soul dared to steal a look. He couldn’t remember the last time he had not been with the love of his life, his lifeline, his solonshko.

Back before he met Yuuri, he had only been an empty shell that harbored skill in charms and skating. Many would say he was the happiest someone could be, but few knew that that phrase was wrong. Scars littered his limbs, all from the items that should’ve helped him. He would never let anyone see it except for his fondest lovers, all of the reactions and responses like a poem, flowing over his head.

Yuuri knew him better than anyone, head to toe. From the scattered freckles on his left thigh that stood out from his snow-white skin, fragile as porcelain, to the small tattoo of a pair of skates on his shoulder bone. To the one vertical scar on his left wrist.

His beautiful skin was stained scarlet red not long ago, sometime after his own birthday. 

They were in a heated argument.

Yuuri had found out about Viktor’s fatal condition.

He had rushed out, tears welling up in his eyes, not even bothering to lock the door.

He had never knew about that side of Viktor.

He came back in an hour.

Viktor was lying peacefully in bed, and Yuuri was ready to apologize. Apologize for his ignorance, his failure for being his lover.

Yuuri tried flipping Viktor over.

It was all a haze when he saw the red. Oh, was it red. 

They couldn’t talk the next day, and both were mindlessly playing with their rings in the hospital, as if it would convey some sort of message.

He left without saying a word.

Viktor was heartbroken, screaming internally for him to come back.

When Yuuri went home, he finally broke down.

____________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my first fanfic! if u know me irl plz don't tell anyone  
> Please note that this is my first year in middle school, and things r rly messy and busy for me
> 
> Edit: OMG SO MANY HITS IN THE FIRST 2 DAYS? no legit i NEVEr expected it to get so popular, rly, all the more reason to finish all my hmwrk and work on this. just thank you guys SO much for all these hits!


	2. Chapter 2 -Beginning of the end-

____________

(Viktor POV)

 

Cancer. 

Cancer was the thing that started this whole thing.

This turmoil of sadness, broken trust and anger all started many years before Viktor met Yuuri.

He was 16, young and alive, but burdened of the weight of World Champion. If he was ever found out, everyone would be against him. 

‘Why?’

‘I thought you were happy’

‘You don’t deserve this’

They would say, and he would never hear the end of it. A slip of an outfit, an observant fan, and his career would come crashing down.

That was before he had found out.

He remembered the day, waking up to see a particularly sunny day out of his hotel room in the Colorado, later on seeing it as a tease, as if it were mocking him and his misfortunes.

It was another phone call. 

He remember putting the phone down after the call, plopping down on the couch, his hair flowing behind him and landing on places behind his back and on his shoulders, trying to comprehend the impossible news he had received through the item.

He could remember him shaking uncontrollably, not sure if he was in shock or not.

It was later that day, while he was in bed, when he finally comprehended what happened. Sobbing into his pillow, with Makkachin delivering the best comfort they could.

It was that day, that very day, when his spark, his love, his devotion to skating started dying along with him.

(Chris POV)

He could swear he heard muffled screams and cries across the hallway in their hotel. Who’s room was that again?

He just couldn’t remember, he was in the Junior Division, so he had no idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i have two presentations to work on + lots and lots of assignments, might not b able to post a chapter everyday
> 
> i think this story is wayy shorter than the last one, but many of you guys seemed to like the story and so this has become one of my priorities 
> 
> I don't know, I feel like I lost some inspiration writing this chapter, I didn't rly feel satisfied enough
> 
> I'm actually trying to write this fanfic without any direct dialogue, and i think i like the style, with all the spaces and such


	3. Chapter 3 -Hospitalized-

____________

(Yuuri POV) Yuuri decided to visit him the following day.

Seeing Viktor pale, out of life, and sad broke his heart again, but he stayed strong and kept the burning tears back, back to where they came from. He was slightly lying on his side again, sending painful memories of that day through his head, causing him to drop the bouquet of pale blue roses, with the petals scattering along with his hopes and dreams.

He couldn’t hold it in him anymore.

He dropped to his knees, sobbing long and wistful breaths. When Yuuri cried, it was like a symphony of sound, loud and clear, yet as delicate as a crushed flower. His glasses fell to floor, with a small pang, another sound in the already cacophony.

(Viktor POV, first person)

Roses. Roses everywhere.

Where am I?

Everything feels so, blissful.

Am I dead?

I’m alone.

I feel like I’m missing someone.

Wait, what is that sound?

… Crying?

It sounds sad.

I hope they stop crying soon.

____________

(Yuuri POV)

Crying usually felt good after feeling sad. Just not this time.

It used to be a sort of relief to Yuuri, a vent to release all of the pressure that was growing inside of him. But now, it just felt like pain. Excruciating pain.

You could’ve said that he had watered the roses if it weren’t for the cheesy plastic film covering them. The drip drop that you could hear was almost calming, but it didn’t help a single bit this time.

His face was as hot as an overheating computer, and his eyes were as red as strawberries.

He found it extremely hard to stop the continuous flow of salted water.

He felt a touch on his shoulder.

He looked heavenward, and saw what he could’ve classified as an angel.

His silver fringe was brushed aside a bit, showing another one of his concerned eyes. Oh, he was beautiful.

His pale skin, with even paler lines running along his two arms, it was like he fell from the sky and into fate.

 

(i couldn't insert the pic for some reason, just go to this [pic](https://www.instagram.com/p/BP_bVtRgpvV/?taken-by=_cat_draws333__) , its my art )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh k more assignments I'm going to literally die  
> i probably won't b posting tmr cuz i like have 4 pages of homework to do  
> sry


	4. Chapter 4 -Comatose-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry i haven't updated in so frickitty frackitty long, its just been assignments on assignments and i just barely had inspiration after frying my brain out for a few hours at a time
> 
> Ill be trying my best to post regularly again, as it seems the wave of hmwrk ended along with term 1
> 
> again sry

____________

 

“Yuuri.”

The fallen angel spoke up, sound filling the empty space in the stale air.

“Are you okay?”

He kneeled down, Yuuri watching as the pain on his face was obvious with stricken pain as he slowly made his way to Yuuri’s level.

“V-Viktor.”

A small smile crept onto his pale and worn down face, seemingly brightening the whole world.

“Don't worry, I'm fine, Yuuri, please stop crying, moy svinina.”

 

____________

 

Viktor had gotten out of bed just to comfort Yuuri. In his burdened and harsh state, he still put the other's happiness over his weak and dying condition.

Just for Yuuri.

He ignored the doctor’s strict warnings, warnings depicting of the bad that could happen once he got out of bed without help. 

Viktor, being the stubborn man he always was, didn’t listen.

Sadly, it would only lead to Yuuri’s mental state worsening.

 

____________

 

“Why did you get out?”

“I couldn’t bear to see you cry, my dear.”

“But, he, the doc-, not to go out, of b-.”

“It’s fine, Yuuri. Anything for you. Anything for you to be happy once again.”

Viktor couldn’t have beared to see Yuuri stay on the ground, crumpled like a rose that had been stepped on, delicate, with the possibility of completely splitting apart at any given moment.

That stubbornness didn’t last forever, as Viktor got tired easily now that he was in terminal condition. Staggering forward, accidentally stepping on the plastic wrap and falling into Yuuri's arm, silver hair falling forward and gently settling on his shoulder.

“Viki, you idiot.”

Viktor could feel Yuuri silently smiling into his shoulder, sniffling away the tears of the last few minutes.

It was pure happiness until he fell unconscious, when Yuuri started to notice Viktor barely breathing. 

Pressing the emergency button while still half-carrying Viktor, the bliss started to subside into panic.

It felt so familiar.

 

____________

 

He went to sleep in an empty cot besides the silver-haired angel at dusk, marvelling at how beautiful his hair looked in the dim light.

The hair didn’t look so beautiful when he wouldn’t wake up in the next few hours.

It was a coma, they said.

____________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just noticed that my section spacings aren't the most consistent
> 
> also, svinina legit means pork in russian


	5. Chapter 5 -My Valentine-

____________

 

“A, coma?”

“Yes, I am very sorry to inform you, but Mr. Nikiforov is in a coma. We do expect him to recover quickly, but if he doesn’t wake up in about a week, we might have to cut off the life supp-”

“TAKE THAT BACK!”

“Mr. Katuski, I fully understand your condition, b-”

“YOU CAN’T JUST PULL THE PLUG ON HIM, HE DOESN’T DESERVE IT!”

The echoing reverberated through the halls, paying a visit to every healing and dying patient.

The doctor simply sighed, tired of hours of arguing with friends and family.

On the other hand, Yuuri could feel the tears burning through and onto his cheeks, with his throat sore and painful after screaming that loud. He couldn’t stand to think of a life without Viktor, the light that descended to help him.

“We’ll think about making the length of time longer, but that’s all we can do.”

“Thank you, I’m sorry, it’s just, the stress, you know-”

“I know the feeling.”

Unfortunately, the previous apologies were thrown out as he rudely pushed his way past the doctor, slowly picking up pace, eventually running out the door.

____________

 

The next time anyone saw Yuuri was passed out on the floor, a broken shot glass besides him.

____________

Chris had found him, and he wanted to ask Yuuri if he wanted to go out skating for a while.

It was surprising when he found his door unlocked.

However, it wasn’t quite a shock when he stepped in a puddle of liquor and saw Yuuri.

Cleaning up the alcohol and the shot glass, he then proceeded to lay him in bed with some struggle, he noticed a razor on the side of his bedside table.

Viktor must’ve been the one who prevented him. Now that he’s gone, who knows how much he cuts.

He tossed the razor into the garbage bin and headed out.

____________

“Katsudon’s really been doing bad lately.”

“Yeah, I worry about him.”

"Do you think he'll be ok?" 

"I honestly don't know."

____________

Yuuri woke up to a very painful headache and an annoying ringtone. 

Then he remembered.

Of course, it wasn't forgettable once he remembered. 

The alcohol. The coma. Viktor and that damn coma. That damn coma that might as well get Yuuri as well. 

He sat up slowly, ruffling his already messy hair and not even bothering to look over to the empty and cold space beside him on the bed. 

Once he dropped his hand, he looked instead to the glinting ring on his finger. 

Soon there would be one in the ground. 

____________

"We should do something for Viktor before he's gone."

"Yeah."

____________

Be my coach, Viktor!

I want to eat pork cutlet bowls with you, Viktor!

I'll give it all the Eros I've got!

I just want you to stay as you!

I did great, right?

...

After the final, let’s end this. 

____________

Crawling slowly from his bed, feeling the ache in this head and heart worsen, nausea taking over, he made his way excruciatingly slow. Someone had stocked away the alcohol and the shot glass from last night.

Wait… why was the razor gone? 

He started looking around for any place he could’ve forgotten it, but to no avail. This was bad. Anyone who knew about him cutting, especially Viktor would be awful. 

Let’s hope I just left it somewhere and didn’t put it away.

____________

Who ever hid the alcohol did a good job, and Yuuri just couldn't find any except for the beer he had kept in the fridge. Opening it up, downing the cold liquid down his throat and not even bothering to clean it up the counter, he groaned and sat down in a chair. 

The headache had just started subsiding, and that’s when the tears started coming back.

____________

He had sat there for a few minutes, moping around about how his life was awful. It didn’t help at all, he knew, but at least it gave him something to do.

He made himself a cold sandwich, then went out to the balcony when he was full. No one else knew, but sometimes when he was really sad and depressed, he had thought about doing drugs, but his career was still living and he couldn’t go on after failing drug tests.

Instead, he had a very occasional smoke, a breather to help with his feelings.

He had burned himself many times, snickering a bit at the thought. Blowing smoke rings, he stared at the streets below and how leisurely they looked. 

____________

Jump.  
Wait, what?

Just jump.

What? No, no way!

It’s all going to be over. All the pain and heartache a-

“I’M NOT DOING THAT!”

I know you want to.

“I DON’T AND I WON’T!”

It’ll be great.

“IT WON’T AND IT NEVER WILL BE! I NEED TO BE THERE FOR VIKTOR, HE’LL NEVER FORGIVE ME, AND HE WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIMSELF! SO PLEASE, Just, go away…”

At this point all point of fighting was gone. Maybe they were right.

But he did have to be there for Viktor. His final days needed to be spent in joy and happiness. And that wouldn’t happen without Yuuri.

Trembling with the cigarette held loosely between his index and middle finger, eyes as empty and sad as that one time Yuuri cried before competition. 

“help… please, someone.”

Drip 

Drop

The tears came back and strong. Turning away and stomping out the stub, he went to get another beer.

____________

Oh yeah, it was Chris’ birthday.

Getting out to his car, he barely remembered his keys. Of course, he was drunk, but it was only a beer or two, so it should be ok.

Right?

Going down the street was much easier than he predicted, but still a bit doozy. Getting to an intersection, Yuuri went and reached over to turn on the news to clear his mind a bit.

“- five time world champion and coach-”

Why are they mentioning Viktor?

“Oh no, no no no no, No, this can’t, cannot be happening.

“After a brief coma-”

Oh, no.

“-has recently woken up-”

Thank god. 

Yuuri was more than happy. Ecstatic. He leaned back, closed his eyes briefly and sighe-

CRASH

____________

Next thing he knew, he himself was in a very shaken up car, but he wasn’t injured. He was just very scared and anticipating the pain that might come soon.

After much shouting, apologies and explanations, he finally got to settling back into his seat, when he heard a very familiar and angry voice.

“HEY KATSUDON, YOU IDIOT! YOU HAD EVERYONE REALLY WORRIED!”

Seeing a very, very angry Yurio being followed by the skaters that he was good friends with lightened his mood by thousands of miles, and he felt a large happy but tired smile appeared on his face.

More discussing and greeting of friends, he finally gave in to sitting in the passenger seat and letting Otabek drive instead of himself.

____________

“Yuuri!”

He knew the voice more than he knew his own mind, and ran as quick as his drunk legs could carry him.

Viktor was sitting up for the first time in a long while, and fully allowed Yuuri to fall into his frail body.

It wasn’t long before he heard Viktor crying into his shoulder, just like a few days ago.

“I was so worried about you, getting into a car crash that easily.”

“I could just about say the same to you.”

“... You smell awful.”

Chris’ birthday party was great, with cake and gifts from everyone, with Yuuri giving him a two hundred dollars since he couldn’t run out and get an actual gift. 

Once the party was over, Yuuri and Viktor had a mini make-out session, and surprisingly, Viktor was just as good at kissing as he was when he wasn’t sick.

“Happy Valentines day, Yuuri”, he would whisper between kisses.

“You too, I love you so much, you don’t even know.”

“Heh.”

At the end of the day, Yuuri decided to stay with Viktor for the night. Keeping his hand on his chest, falling asleep to the steady beat of Viktor’s heart. A sleep that wasn’t plagued by nightmares, just peaceful, peaceful oblivion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well yuuri got loud quickly  
> so i wrote a longish chapter  
> well  
> guess who has a five day break starting thursday (this sucker)  
> it was?? ok?? i think  
> i decided to add some fluff cuz everyone needs me of that  
> also, HAPPY SINGLE AWARENESS DAY AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHRIS GIACOMETTI  
> i got 6 candy grams and I'm proud of that


	6. Chapter 6 -Stars-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok there are important notes at the end

When people say that they're sick, they usually expect themselves to recover. 

Viktor wished this was the case.

He dreaded everything secretly. He dreaded the day he would die. He dreaded how Yuuri would sob day after day after his passing. He dreaded the way that Yuuri would avoid the ice to hold off the waves of emotion. He dreaded how it would go viral, leaking the details and privacy that he had struggled to keep for half his life. 

Of course, one of the worse was that he dreaded the last time he would see Yuuri. 

Raven hair, hazelnut eyes, chubby cheeks. 

He made it his life goal (which he knew wouldn't be for long) to spend as much time with Yuuri, whether it be sad or happy. He would do anything for another day with his precious skater. 

____________

"Yuuriiii."

A small touch on his shoulder came from behind. 

"Yuuuurrriiiiiii."

Sighing deeply, he reached over for his glasses, adjusting them, only to realize they wouldn't be much use in the dark. 

"What is it, you need a glass of water?" Yuuri chuckled. 

He could sense Viktor pouting quietly. Ever since they moved their beds together like in St. Petersburg, Viktor has constantly waking Yuuri at night and asking for a simple thing like an extra pillow. 

"No, I want to go outside and look at the stars with youuuu."

Yuuri mouthed an almost-silent 'what'. 

"Yes, you heard meee, I wanna go out with youuu."

"Aren't you supposed to stay in bed?"

"Screw them, I need fresh air. And I want it with a side of katsudon."

Sighing once again, Yuuri reached to his nightstand and turned on his phone, wincing at the immediate light. 

"What the hell, Viktor. It's 2 in the morning. I'd expect you to do this at dawn or something."

"Well, I can't sleep and you should do something about it since I'm 'oh so sick'."

"Fine, but try not to ask me these unreasonable things again."

____________

Hauling Viktor out of bed like a ragdoll, he helped him to his feet - he also brought a thick blanket and pillows. He demanded Viktor to dress up properly, the punishment to getting up so early. 

As they snuck out to the garden near the back, it seemed that it was mainly cold near the entrance. That day was warmer than others (thank god), and Viktor could persuade Yuuri to stay at a bench. 

Unfortunately, the so-said stars that Viktor talked about were hard to see. It was very faint for the one or two they could see, but it was still a beautiful view nonetheless. 

Yuuri considered it as a mindless decision. 

Viktor considered it as one of his final wishes. 

____________

"We should probably head back into the hospital, it might get cold."

"I don't care."

"Well, if you say so, then we'll stay here for a few more minutes, okay?"

"Fine."

 

They ended up falling asleep there together, with Yuuris arms protectively wrapped around Viktor as if he could disappear at any second.

____________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so first of all, I'm guessing none of you have seen it but my wifi is currently down and works rarely and we have to get a new router and its very complicated  
> i will continue to work on the fic on my phone, but its an iPhone 4 and its very very slow  
> also, for this extended period without wifi that has almost killed me mentally i have decided that the story summary that i added at the beginning of the fic is gunna be changed, since you know how some times the plot changes as you work on it  
> but  
> BUT  
> tmr were getting the new router and everything should be normal and running, and i still have three days of my break left  
> i just rly hope i have wifi to download the crossover game  
> also, sorry about the short chapter compared to last time , i am known for procrastinating  
> if you read it on mobile the chapter is longer


	7. Chapter 7 -I'm sorry-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I worked on this chapter for two days  
> unfortunately the wifi is still down since we didn't get the chance to buy a router

____________

“You’ve done more than enough for me, Viktor.”

He doesn’t like where this is going.

“Thanks to you, I was able to give everything I had to my last season.”

This couldn’t be happening.

“Thank you for everything, Viktor”

Yuuri couldn’t be doing this to him.

“Thank you for being my coach.”

He could feel something build up inside him, pushing his emotions out along with his tears. Yuuri bows down, avoiding his face, staring at his feet. He couldn’t hold it anymore. A single drop, a shining diamond, falling, soon accompanied by one after another. He wasn’t used to seeing the droplets of water coming from himself. He should’ve asked Yakov what to do in this situation.

Yuuri looked surprised, coming up from his bow, eyes wide, as if he never saw tears before.

“Viktor?”

He couldn’t think of a single person who could be so heartless, yet he still loved Yuuri.

“Ah, I didn’t expect Yuuri Katsuki to be such a selfish person.”

“Yes, i made this selfish decision on my own. I’m retiring.”

_'I'm retiring.'_

It was as if Yuuri had gone in and stabbed at an open wound with a sharp stick. It hurt so much, he wish he could rewind all of it. The waves escalated to tsunamis, wrecking every bit of dignity that Viktor had.

____________

 

This time wasn't very different. As the soft diamonds fell from his eyes, he found it hard to accept the reality that was coming. It seemed that however, this time it was Viktor that was leaving Yuuri. He focused on the swaying trees outside his window, moving back and forth throughout the wind. He was quiet when he cried, breathing staggered, hair brushed to the side.

He was sitting up on the edge of the mattress, hands holding the side, legs crossed and moving back and forth like the trees.

"Viktor, why are you crying?"

It was a soft voice, slicing through the air. It was burdened with the stress and anxiety of life, yet it still stayed caring and loving, as if it didn't have a single care in the world.

Viktor chuckled softly, a heaven sent noise interrupted with a choked sob, a sad and desperate sound.

"It's so strange, Yuuri."

The small smile faded into a flat but sad line.

Viktor bit his lip to try and stop the sobs, but he couldn't prevent them. The waves were his worst enemy, clashing and thrashing around in his heart, leaking out of his eyes.

Sob after sob, he felt his arms grow weak and buckle, and soon he found himself holding his head in his hand, elbow stabbing dully at his leg.

The waves drowned him, freezing and wild, making him gasp for air, only to drag him back into the depths until he was exhausted and begging for mercy.

He could feel a warm touch on his shoulder, attempting to pull him out of the depths.

"Viktor, it's alright. Shh, shh."

A smooth and calming voice dried him off, as if caring for a baby. They pulled him into an embrace, making sure didn't fall back into the water. His breathing went back to normal, eyes still moist.

 

 

 

"I'm here."

 

 

 

Trying to plaster the smile back onto his worn out face, he instead found another pair of lips there, pulling him into a kiss. He allowed it to take him over, pulling him away further and further from the waves.

It was exactly what he needed.

Laughing into his lips and pulling away, he stared dreamily at Yuuri.

"You're so beautiful, you know."

A small relieved smile spread onto Yuuris face, brightening the mood. He leaned in for a hug, wrapping his arms around Viktor.

But Viktor didn't hug back.

"It's so strange."

"Huh?"

"People stay with each other, not knowing how dangerous it is. You could've left me, and you wouldn't be so heartbroken. But I wanted you to stay. I dragged you with me, making you cry a lot. I don't want that, though, but I want to stay with you."

 

"Eh? What are y-you saying?" "Have you ever regretted staying with me? I only manage to make you sad, yet you still hang on to me as if you couldn't go on without me. It's all my fault."

"Oh no, honey, don't say tha-"

"I'm the one that only managed to increase your stress and anxiety. You would've been better off without me..."

“I’m sorry. I have to say that. I should have let you leave that night.”

Viktor bowed down slightly, just like Yuuri that night in Barcelona.

Yuuri sighed, and took Viktors head in his hands.

"Look. It's not my fault or your fault. This is just what fate has set up for us. I didn't propose to you for no fucking reason, so stop whining around about how god damn sick you are, or else I'll make you regret it. You’re stuck with me and I can say the same for you."

Viktor looked surprised for a second, then simply smiled and took Yuuris hand in his, kissing the golden ring on his fingers.

 

 

 

 

 

"Okay."

____________


	8. Chapter 8 -Walking-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoops i took another long break

"Do you wanna take Makkachin out for a walk or something?"

Viktor laughed at the sudden request, knowing the answer as clear as day. 

"Of course." 

____________

Yuuri had to go out in order to get Makkachin, warning Viktor in how much damn trouble he would be in if he went out of the room

Right as Yuuri went outside, the bright smile on his face disappeared. Sighing, he pulled out his phone. 

Fiddling with the sleek and smooth surface, dark as Yuuris hair, only to blaze to life once turned on. 

He facetimed Yuri, only to be greeted by a very grumpy Russian, a cat making its way around his bed. 

"OI WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

It was a comforting sentence to Viktor, who was laughing in response, only to get more growling. Once he calmed down, his grin turned into a small curve in his mouth. 

"I have a very big favor to ask of you."

____________ 

 

He chatted with Yuri for a solid half and hour, some laughs from Viktor and some insults from Yuri, but he still agreed anyways. 

"Thank you so much, Yuri. I guess I owe you quite a lot now."

"Ok, jUST SAYING THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY EMBARASSI-"

Viktor had to press the red button as quick as his reflexes allowed, as he could hear a very excited dog outside, yipping at many people they passed. 

It was a close one, as just when Yuuri stepped in the hospital room, brushing apart the curtains separating the rooms, he looked a bit confused about how there was a such a loud noise cut off immediately. 

"You still aren't ready? Even though I asked you to three times. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother."

Oops. 

Viktor was once again forced to get ready by himself again, but Yuuri was too soft-hearted this time and helped him once or twice, then half- helped him stand up. 

Walking a bit slowly to his cane, Viktor found quite a lot of enjoyment with his fiancé helping him every step. Something about Yuuris grip was very protective, yet gentle.

Sometimes he could see Yuuris eyes while they were walking, filled with an unreadable emotion. Sad and distressed, as if screaming for help out of this situation, away from all the grief. He also seemed determined, hanging on as hard as he can, unfazed by changes.

Sometimes Yuuri could feel himself sinking into depths of anticipatory grief, trying to make every second last. Of course, he still persisted, trying to keep the conditions in the best it could be. 

Of course, though, he didn’t exactly keep himself running that well at times.

Taunts and voices in his head, discouraging thoughts, keeping himself aware of everything, there for every action he would make.

But they were walking now. A peaceful, quiet walk.

But everything was okay right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ill try to post tmr  
> im so irresponsible mg


	9. Chapter 9 -Katsudon-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm very bad at ficing  
> well i have the whole fic plan played out

____________ 

Yuuri was worried. 

He was worried that Viktors health seemed to get worse by the minute, not being able to walk and not even being able to sit up a week later. Viktor was tired all the time, cold sweat and dark bags standing out from his sheet white face. 

Viktor had to go to get CT scans, just to get a brief look into how much longer he had. He always had to go to sleep, and had to have many medications injected by IV, into his arm, needle poking out tauntingly, almost knowing that Yuuri couldn’t stand those of things.

The most worrisome thing is that Viktor became eerily quiet, as if there was a certain aura around him. He would always stare out of the window, or fiddle with the hem of his bed, eyes wide and tired, yet it was hard for him to go to sleep when he had to. 

“He is in extensive-stage small cell cancer, in which the lung cancer is irreversible. There isn’t that much of a way to help him, you’ll just have to take care of him.”, the doctor leaned in a bit closer, weary eyes flicking around the area of floor in front of him. 

“Please, spend as much time as you can with him even though he’ll be quiet.”

____________ 

A few years later that Viktor found out about the cancer, he had to use radiotherapy to slow it down. He was, in turn, very self-conscious about hair thinning. He always tired quickly, feeling as if his lungs were going to burst after a mediocre free skate, tips of ears red and sweat plastering strands of hair together.

He also frequently had nosebleeds, not the soft kinds that ended in a few seconds, it was long-lasting, usually for ten to twenty minutes at a time, losing a lot of blood in the process. Headaches happened a lot as well, reducing him to a hot mess clinging onto Makkachin.

He had gotten the lung cancer from travelling so much for competitions, and since they were in large cities that led to lots of pollution. St. Petersburg was also quite polluted, and from living there so long, he was bound to get affected by it.

After all the pieces and symptoms had been laid out, it seemed as if fate had bound it altogether, a wicked game of chess that had been wired and rigged.

____________ 

Today he was to get another IV medication, one of Yuuris least favourite parts of the hospital. A torturing process for Yuuri as he saw the needle in Viktors arm get uncapped and attached to a drip.

This time, he ran away again, not daring to see the scene, Viktor heartbroken once again.

He always did that, and Viktor tried his best to not break down.

____________ 

When Yuuri was back, Viktor was in bed, eating stale hospital food and applesauce, drip still hovering tauntingly over the latter.

He had brought katsudon as an apology, hot and steaming in the small thermos. 

They shared it and Viktor was a bit happier, as well as full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did my research (a lot) on lung cancer for this lmao


	10. Chapter 10 -Last steps-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes he's gunna die soon  
> very  
> very  
> soon  
> brace urselves

____________ 

That night, they slept together. It was comfortable and cool, a small breeze blowing by occasionally, with Makkachin shifting once in awhile to stay in a comfortable nook that the blanket had made. 

Yuuri had nightmares recently, all of them of possible ways that Viktor could die. He always forgot that Viktor was right by his side, peaceful and quiet, sleeping as sound as a tired baby. His face was always wet when he did wake up, and he forgot the dream as quickly as he woke up, but the possibilities haunted him all the time, feelings of malaise and consternation forming almost a bubble around him.

The next day they were out skating, Viktor in his wheelchair and happily bouncing, not being able to wait to get out of the seat. His voice had become throaty and silvery, the stress in his lungs evident, but he seemed to not give a flying fuck. 

When he did manage to stand up on ice, his expression immediately changed. It was worst than when Yuuri left the room in a hurry while Viktor was getting IVs, and it was devastating for both of them. Some of their fellow skaters were there to witness, but no one said anything about it. They just watched intently and tried helping him.

It was like visiting a home Viktor hasn’t stepped in for years, waves and waves of nostalgia washing over him, suffocating him into short breaths, flashbacks flooding his head. 

A silver medal.

A quad flip.

A roaring audience.

It made Viktor wish that he wasn’t so weak, that he had more time to spend in this beautiful but cruel world, if he hadn’t let the disease win, that he could get better. The if’s and why’s took over his thoughts, sinking into dolor and despondency. 

Body shaking and cold sweat sticking the hair onto his face in flat strands, he took another step onto the ice.

Then another.

And another.

A soft plip plap of Viktors sweat could be heard throughout the quiet rink, and the clash of the blades against the ice soon took it over. Viktor was terrified, this could be the last time. 

The last time.

He stumbled, falling onto the hard ice, pain shooting through his body. He was numb to the pain, numb to the nausea from the alcohol. 

He skated solemnly for a few minutes, remembering to put his foot in front of the other, slowly but carefully, while holding onto Yuuri, closing his eyes and listening to the quiet, relaxing but taunting sound of the blades. He finally announced that he was tired. Getting back into the wheelchair from the help of Otabek, he took a last long stare at the ice.

 

Little that he knew, it would be that last time he would see his second home.


	11. Chapter 11 - Bye -

____________  
The next day, Yuuri couldn’t visit Viktor.

It wasn’t because any side didn’t want to, it was because Viktor was dying.

It was weird for Yuuri. He expected Viktor to walk out, safe and sound, this whole thing back to the day that Yuuri found out about his cancer. He expected that he would be able to smile genuinely again, to laugh, to be able to be fine. He wasn’t fine right now, however. He just felt, numb. 

 

He wasn’t sure what time it was, how long he had spent in there, why Viktor was taking so long. 

‘Just come out already, you asshat.’

 

 

Tick

 

 

 

Tock

 

 

 

 

____________ 

“You can come in now, Mr. Katsuki.”

Yuuri was startled by the sudden noise in the quiet. The nurse stepped out with a grief-stricken face, exhaustion laced in her features. 

“Oh, um, thank you.”

____________ 

Walking into the room was painful, steps leading to his eventual demise, the steady beep of the monitor hypnotizing him almost, dragging him further into the room.

Viktor was there, in the middle of the room, chest rising and falling steadily to the heartbeat, but painstakingly slow. You could see all the cold sweat that was on his face, tired and burdened face, breathing through his mouth noisily.

“Oh no, watashi no ai, no no no, wake up, please.”, Yuuri breathed, rushing over to his side.

Beep 

“Please, wake up.”

Beep

“You promis - you promised we would get married,”

Beep

“We would get married in the ice castle,”

Beep

“And- and we would invite everyone.”

By this point, Yuuri was smiling through tears that wouldn't reside, they just kept on coming. They were strong, burning, making dark spots on Viktors gown. He was rubbing circles on Viktor’s palm, as if it would heal him.

“D - don’t, please, don’t go back on your promise.”

Beep

“I love you.”

 

Beeeee-

Yuuri let out a scream, louder than he had even screamed before, dragged down with pain and agony, slightly muffled by a blanket that Yuuri buried his face into. He was hyperventilating, body shaking with sadness and anger, and glasses falling to the floor once again.

____________ 

Not many people could hear the announcements of the death times and the chilling noise filled the second floor. It was over. A part of him had been stripped away forcefully by a monster and ripped apart. It was the beginning of something that would lead to the downfall of many..

____________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this chapter is crappy af


	12. Chapter 12 -Message-

____________ 

The day Viktor died, the the stars fell out of Yuuris sky.

He spent days in his room, either blankly staring out of the window or scrolling through social media.

‘Five time world champion Viktor Nikiforov passes away’

‘Lung cancer takes a great skater’

The news erupted with mournings and articles about Viktor filled Yuuris feed on multiple websites, with fellow skaters and thousands of fans making blogs and posts grieving the deceased.

For some reason, it made Yuuri really angry. He had taken up drinking once again, and there were crumpled up tissue papers overflowing the garbage bin. The worst part was that he didn’t know why it made him mad. Maybe it was the way no one acknowledged him as a person, but as a champion. Maybe because they didn’t know what he was like past the flashing cameras and flawless choreography. 

Sometimes he would come across a random object that reminded him of the light blue of Viktors eyes or a silver doorknob that reminded him of his hair or a silver medal. Once his mind was lost in those thoughts he found himself weeping miserably again into bedsheets, knuckles white from holding onto it.

Maybe he should’ve just let go, allow darkness to swallow him whole, erasing all memories that was the root of all of the mental pain he was experiencing, to be taken by the quiet and peaceful sleep of death. But he couldn’t.

In the end, if he did let go, there would be one less person who knew the real Viktor.

____________ 

One month later

Yuuri had learned to somehow cope with the inevitable. Sometimes he had panic attacks like before, usually right before the day of a big competition, finding himself in situations that Viktor would usually help him out of, soothing him with his angelic voice and soft murmurs.

Ding

What the fuck?

Who the hell is texting me at 4 fucking 50 in the morning?

The phone screen cast a radiant circle on the ceiling, and it took a while for Yuuri to turn around and open the notification.

Unknown number

Fucking hell, it’s probably a crazy fan or something. Who gives a shit about my number now, Viktor’s not here.

He put the phone back on the table and slept for a bit more.

Ding 

Holy god, shut up.

He finally turned around and looked at the messages, where his eyes ignored the blare of the light and his heart skipped a beat or two.

____________ 

He had rushed himself to the washroom, distressed form in the reflection, glasses barely holding on to his ears.

 

“N- no way…”

He had scrolled through the messages, eyes deceiving what he was reading. He could barely take into consideration what he was witnessing.

Dear Yuuri,

Times have changed. Maybe for the better, probably for the worst.

First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for losing, sorry for being so weak, sorry for relying on you so much.  
I'm sorry about the day you saw the razor and the blood, the day you found out. I'm sorry about so many things. I'm sorry to make you so sad, to drag you down with me. I can't stand the thought of you crying and heartbroken, even though I know it will come eventually.

Sometimes I wished I could be as strong as you, as persistent, but I couldn't. It was so hard.

The first time I saw you performance, I didn't think much about it. It was at the banquet back in 2015 that I became intrigued by you. I watched video after video of you, growing more and more interested. It was Chris that recommended me to go over, to Japan, to meet you properly for once.

I'm not sorry to say that it was one of my best decisions.

Before I went to Japan to you, my cancer was getting worse. The tumour was becoming larger and my last program was excruciatingly hard. It was a chance to spend my last days in bliss, along with Makkachin of course.

Yuuri chuckled at that. Makkachin had followed Viktor's path a short while ago, but Yuuri had gotten a small pug before that and learned to recuperate from that as well.

When I pair skated with you, I felt complete, satisfied, and I never wanted the music to end. I never wanted the applause and the audiences cheers to end. It was wonderful.

Maybe it was something about how you smiled, or the beautiful way you got flustered, or both, that I just couldn't let go.

As you are reading this message that someone has helped me deliver, just know that I'll always be here. In spirit and I'll support you every step of the way. Come to me whenever you need help. Come to me whenever you're lost, or when you're completely obliterated.

Just remember that you have friends in you.

Sent 4:51

Best of luck,  
Viktor Nikiforov.

Sent 4:52

 

He reread those messages countless times, reading them to the point he could rewrite it word for word. He couldn't take it in.

____________ 

Times did change.

He became an alcoholic, and his hair was always relatively messy. Sometimes Phichit would come over and try to clean things up for him a bit, to get him on his feet slowly again. 

He stopped skating. It became absolutely no fun for him anymore, and even if he did he would stay on the ice for a few minutes if he fell because he was exhausted of everything.

He wasn't clean anymore. He had some razors in his bathroom if he needed to, which Phichit would gape at, then carefully take them with them home, but Yuuri found out and kept them in various secret locations from there on which scared and worried a lot of the fellow skaters.

He had taken off his ring and left it around his neck on a leather string, the heaviness making it dig into the back of his neck and grimly remind him of the marriage that never happened.

Sometimes he would go online and look at the old posts of Viktor skating, feeling something deep inside stirring but never really rising up.

Sometimes he would cry by himself, silently, in bed, empty spot cold besides him slightly filled with his pug silently trying to comfort him.

Sometimes it would escalate to sobs and weeps, and if Phichit was over he could do his best to calm the trembling mess that Yuuri would become.

Whenever he did cry, he cried for Viktor and Makkachin. He cried for not being there for his last waking moments. He cried for not getting gold the year Viktor went to Japan. He cried for not being able to give Viktor what he wanted, how he was almost always sure that part of him was disappointed.

One traumatizing experience for Chris, Phichit and Yuri was when they couldn't find him in his apartment, and they nearly raided the building looking for him. Phichit and Chris had called Yuri while they were to ask if he saw him and the next thing they knew he was with them trying to look for the suicidal bastard. They found him standing on the roof, half a meter away from the ledge. He was dressed better than usual. His shoes were off behind him.

"Yuuri, Yuuri, please, don't think of doing that ever again. "

"You f-fucking idiot, if you fUcKING DID THAT I WOULD LOSE ALL MY FUCKIG RESPECT FOR YOU."

Phichit didn't say anything. He just sat on the couch besides him and held on to him.

They were either at the point of tears, or like Phichit who was shaking silently at how his best friend wanted to kill himself.

Yuuri was sitting on the couch, eyes red and puffy and felt horrible for getting found out.

He left the shoes on the roof.

At the end of the day, he would always go to sleep holding the cold ring.

____________ 

It was a confusing day for Yuuri. Who was sending the messages? Did Viktor purposely plan it or did someone do it out of goodwill? Why was he still trying to comfort Yuuri?

He ate out at a restaurant that say to try and get some fresh air and socialize a bit. He had gotten a new pair of glasses, the round kind that Chris had and recommended, which he actually liked a lot.

He felt decent for once in a long while, ever since Viktor died, and fans that passed by just looked at him with this resigned look and didn't ask for any signatures or pictures, but he could still hear the whispers about him.

His life was slowly getting better, but the message just made the hopeless feeling just expanded and he found himself getting mentally lost again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh don't expect normal updates from me I'm awful


	13. Chapter 13 -Visitors-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short af chapter for u  
> also theres some swearing ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see if you can find the two references
> 
> also i found this rly good friend that helps me edit and write a bit but she won't write swearing so i have to insert that for her lmao

____________

“Do you really think that this is what Viktor would’ve wanted?” Chris demanded, collecting a razor from one of the hiding spots.

Yuuri avoided his gaze, not answering. Of course it wouldn’t have been what he wanted.

“Yuuri, come on, you can do better than this. You need to stop the suicidal thoughts before it kills you. What about you come live with me in Detroit again for a while until you collect yourself again?”, Phichit asked.

Yuuri lifted red rimmed eyes and shook his head slowly.

“Look at what you’ve become, Yuuri. A suicidal man, who drinks to get rid of all the pain, just to cause more. Quit his career because he won't get compliments from his fiancé anymore.”

“Well you don't fucking know how much it hurts.”, Yuuri mumbled.

Chris’ gaze softened. “We know that you’re grieving and we know the feeling. But get over it. You can’t stay like this forever.” 

“I fucking can and I will. It’s my life. I can do what I want with it. I want to spend the rest of it like this and not give a shit so let me do it. I don't care about my skating legacy anymore, s- so why else is there t-to live for? If you just let me live my life I'll eventually go my own path! Why can't you just understand that?!”

"Well you may not know it, but there are thousands of people that actually care about you! If you gave up right here and right now we would have to suffer even more that's way worse than when Viktor died!" By this point Phichit was shaking.

“Just think about it. How much have you spent on razors and alcohol for the last month? If you don't stop soon, then you're going to spend all your retirement savings and you'll have to work way more!”

“I don’t give a flying fuck.” Yuuri snarled.

“If you’re not going to do it for us, then do it for Viktor. If he was alive right now, he would be kicking your ass.”, Phichit snapped for the first time in a while. He walked over to the bed and sat down with a sigh.

“If Viktor was alive right now, none of this would’ve even happened.” Yuuri said. “You don’t understand.”

“Look, I know you miss him, and we're always thinking about him nowadays. But what's the use of feeling blue?”, Chris said in a lower voice, squatting down in front of Yuuri.

Yuuri clucked his tongue. He stood up and gently shoved Chris away then grabbed a beer from the fridge. He sat back in his armchair, and popped the cork. “I’m done with all this shit. You’re not going to change my mind, and that’s that.”

Phichit and Chris exchanged glances. They both knew that they wouldn't get anywhere fighting with Yuuri further and made a silent decision to give it up.

“Okay then, but please, try your best. Yuuri, your mother can't take another heartbreak.”

With that Phichit got off the bed and followed Chris out of the room.

“Maybe I shouldn't have introduced Viktor to you. It could've been better for you like that.”, Chris said slightly quietly, stopping in the doorway. “Maybe we could've all been better off like that.”

Yuuri flinched at how real that phrase was, and he wasn't denying it. He could've been better off. He would be in the crowd of people that half-heartedly grieved at the death but in a year or so, ultimately wouldn't care. He played with his ring and breathed out.

“Maybe.”


	14. Chapter 14 -Fin-

____________

 

It was long when the messages from ‘Viktor’ had ended, and life had become dull for Yuuri. 

Every day was the same cycle, wake up, go to work, have dinner, maybe go to Phichit’s place, and go to sleep. There was rarely anything that highlighted his life at this point, as when Viktor died, so did his heart.

____________

Today, he was dressed up in a new suit, white on white.

Stammi vicino,

Today, he had his hair slicked back, for the first time in years.

Non te, ne andere

Today, he was standing on an melancholy hill, tombstones tauntingly placed around him, bouquet of white roses and green carnations in his arms, shivering slightly from the wind. He gently placed them down besides the tomb.

Ho paura, 

“Happy three year anniversary, utsukushi. I love you.”

 

Di perderti

 

He let his hair down. It was bothering him.

Le tue mani, le tue gambe

Yuuri reached into hit chest pocket and took out a pocket knife.

Le mie gambe, le mie gambe

He took his ring off and placed it near the bouquet.

E i, battiti del cuore

His head was pounding. He didn’t want to do this. But he wanted to. 

Si fondono tro loro

 

“Let’s leave together. I’m ready now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a horrible end for a horrible fic, I'm sorry  
> i just kinda wanted to get this over with and finish it for my friend  
> also, i planned on killing off yuri as well in a car crash, but he's gone through enough in fics  
> also the lyrics might be wrong, i typed them off of memory  
> during the summer i have another pic idea planned and ill actually try to work hard on that one but during the summer since rn theres way too much work  
> It's painful to look back on this tbh it's so bad I hate it and I 200% want to delete this  
> again I'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first fanfic! if u know me irl plz don't tell anyone  
> Please note that this is my first year in middle school, and things r rly messy and busy for me  
> AND TY TO MY FRIENDOS FOR HELPING ME EDIT AND SUPPORTING MOI WHILE WRITING MON FIC  
> also, if you can plz try to add some constructive criticism in the comments it helps me a lot


End file.
